| Euthanasia and Surgery... |
[06 Dec 2001|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Angel - Sarah McLachlan |
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So we are probably going to put Ninja to sleep on Saturday. She just isn't getting better. She doesn't want to eat or anything. It hurts so much. I love her. I do not want her to go yet. I was finally able to cry the other night. The release felt so good. It was like a water main broke and the tears just couldn't stop coming. I can feel another one coming on. When I think of Ninja I start to get a huge lump in my throat. I'm thinking that in a little bit I am going to go into my room and put on some depressing music and just cry myself to sleep. That would feel good. At least I am not binging and purging to get my emotional release. It's much healthier to cry.
My mom's fiancé had his surgery yesterday. he came out of it in good condition, and if he does okay without the intravenous lines tonight he'll get to come home tomorrow. That's good because I'll get to see more of my mother. The bad thing about this is that his mother is going to stay here for another week or two. This means I can't come on the computer late at night since she'll be sleeping on the couch.
I've been doing pretty good on my caloric intake. Today I had a bowl of Cheerios, a ham sandwich, and a Jr. Whopper combo meal with king size fries from Burger King. That's not bad for me. Not bad at all. I just need to go out and get some clean polo wraps from my tack trunk so that I can bind my breasts and jump rope without having to worry about my breasts sagging anymore. That's about all I have to say for now...
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| I am Your Liver...I Get A Chronic Liver Condition...I Kill You... |
[04 Dec 2001|07:08pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Black & White - Sarah McLachlan |
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My cat Ninja was diagnosed with a chronic liver condition about two weeks ago. We've been babying her like the vet told us to do. We've been spoon feeding her and everything, but she just doesn't seem to be getting any better. Tonight I had to fight to get her mouth open so she could take her meds. I think her jaw is locking up. I also put some nutrition paste on her upper lip for her to lick off, but it has just hardened on her whiskers. She is slipping away, and I can't do anything about it. I want to scream! I can't cry and it hurts so much. I love this cat. I love all my cats. It's like losing a child. My mom told me to call the vet in the morning and tell them what has happened and see what they say. They will probably just tell me to bring her in and put her to sleep. I don't want to do it, but I don't think I have a choice. I don't want her to suffer anymore...
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| Your Emotions Shall Weigh You Down... |
[04 Dec 2001|12:46pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Witness - Sarah McLachlan |
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Well, I created this journal because LiveJournal is being a bitch. I want to give credit to SilverTree who I got most of my user icons from. I'm sorry SilverTree if you get mad, but your icons were just so pretty!
Anyways, I'm still frustrated with myself. I hate being like this. This ugly fat hanging on my body and weighing me down. I wish I had my dancer's body back. I don't like the reflection of myself in the mirror. My body has turned into the funhouse image. It hurts so much. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for binging. I have arguments in my head about food. I just wish it could all stop. I wish I was one of those people who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain an ounce.
My mom's fiancé is having surgery tomorrow. I hope he does all right. I don't know what would happen to my mother if that man died. I don't think she's ever loved someone so much before. I love her so much and I want to see her happy. I'm happy that she's found someone who loves her so much. He is the first boyfriend that my mother has had that I actually like. He is like a father figure to me.
I keep listening to sad songs. I wish I could cry. It would feel like such a wonderful release. It's as though my tears have dried up and gone forever though. I miss my tears. I miss that beatiful release of salty water streaming down hot, frustrated cheeks.
I wish everything in my life could be okay. I would give anything to just feel happy in my skin again. What I would give to feel that nothing mattered, and that these bottled up emotions could come spilling out from my broken heart and set me free. Oh to be free from these shackles!
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